And I guarantee neither of those two were happy.

As I have said I'm trying to change everything about my life. And just when I think it's going so good......it just crashes and falls. I have come to realize that I have to expect a certain bit of that. Because it's not easy to just completely change your life overnight. There are many struggles, especially within. When you try to change what you've done every day of your life for years, you can sure bet you are going to hit some hurdles. What I can't stand about myself is sometimes when I hit a hurdle, it's SO much easier to just turn back and revert to what you know. And I do that sometimes. I know I do. I'm just hoping that eventually I'll get so far into it, I won't be able to look back ya know? Like reverting back to my old ways will be too far back for me to walk.

I really do think it comes down to one thing here. I think that I need to be happy with myself. I need to love myself first, above and beyond anybody else. And only then, I can love others with my fullest heart and give of myself to others in the best way. Soooo how do I do that you say? I'm not sure yet. I have a few ideas.

I made a list today. A list of all of the things in this life that make me happy. Things that *I* want in my life. A few of them I have, one I am currently working on and one I need to REALLY work on. So I guess there is hope for me somehow.

Then I realized that happiness is so very personal. Nobody in this world can define my happiness. I cannot rely on another person or thing to make me happy. It has to come from within. And I've realized that for so long I've allowed others to define my happiness. And I'm done with that crock of crap. Somebody may be happy going and playing 18 holes of golf every week. Not MY idea of happiness but if it works for them then more power to them! Will I be judged on what I define as my happiness? Yes, probably so. And the most important thing I have to work on is not letting people's opinions of me matter. Just because you don't agree with what I am doing, doesn't make it wrong. It just means that if it truly makes me happy, then it's okay. Have you ever heard the saying "if mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?" Well it really is that way. If I'm sad and depressed and miserable, I will make everybody else around me feel the same way also. And that is not fair to anybody else.

So the moral of the story here is......you are NOT going to make everybody happy. In fact, you will die trying. That's a fact of life. So not make YOURSELF happy? Because at the end of the day all I have is myself. I have to think my thoughts, be in my skin and deal with me. If I can't love myself how can I expect anybody else to love me????

So I don't know, I guess I just go down that list and check off everything I have that makes me happy and figure out how I'm going to get the things I don't have yet.

That sounds easy right???