So then I got to thinking.....they would totally have to swap me with somebody who is the exact polar opposite. And this is what I came up with......

I'd have to go live with some family where of course, the women is married. And she'd have a whole slew of kids, like 4 or 5. And every morning she'd get up at the ass crack of dawn, shower and putting on makeup smelling like a freakin rose, make the kids pancakes and eggs, pile them all into her mini van (god damn soccer moms) where she drops them off at school, goes and does jazzercise for an hour without breaking a sweat, then goes and volunteers to I don't know, save the homeless or some damn thing, run home long enough to bake a batch of cookies then go and get the kids from school. Then her day would finish up with her making the perfect gourmet meal at precisely 6:00, give hubby the newspaper, a kiss and a backrub, clean up the perfectly immaculate house and be in bed at 10:00 to catch up on her Wall Street Journal before going to sleep.

Yeah, that's SO not me. I would write my rules manual and it would go like this......

4:41 AM: Alarm clock goes off. Roll over, cuss (if you're awake enough) pound on the snooze button. Proceed to this for the next 30 minutes or so.

5:15-5:20 AM: Roll out of bed against your will, cussing and shouting obscenities at yourself for allowing yourself to agree to these kinds of hours. Grab cell phone. Grab glasses and put them on. Grab bra and fumble with it until you think you have it on right. Stop at the bathroom, go potty.
Get on the computer, get your stuff up and start to type. Doze off every now and again, just to be a rebel.

7:00 AM: Wake up my daughter first by being nice and cuddly and all like "Get up sunshine" and leave the room.

7:15 AM Check back 15 minutes later. She's not up. Go shake her furiously and turn on the bedroom light on your way out.

7:25 AM: Stomp back into her bedroom, yell at her to wake up and tell her if you have to come in one more time you're bringing a glass of cold water with you.

8:00 AM: Take my daughter to school. Throw on some shoes while you're still wearing the fat pants and get in the car. Do 12 things at once while driving her to school which may include digging her out money for whatever field trip she has, reading over her homework or writing a check for lunch money since she's always out.

8:15 AM Come back home after maybe stopping at McDonalds for a diet coke and egg Mcmuffin. Get back to work.

8:15 - 1:30 PM Work....well on and off anyways. Stopping to talk to your friends on MSN or getting up and changing the CD, making lunch, whatever suits your fancy.

1:30 PM - get off work. Praise God above that you're already off for the day. Mess around online, talk to your friends, read diaries, flip through TV while you're doing that.

3:15 PM: Go pick up the girls, bring them home, they get on the computer or make some weird mess somewhere while you watch Dr. Phil at 4:00. Usually in your bedroom. Sometimes drinking a diet coke and eating a snack.

5:00 PM: Acknowledge you may have to actually cook supper at some point tonight. Probably so because your kid is bitching she is hungry. Open the fridge, freezer, and cupboards trying to decide what meal will be less work. Make meal. Clean up afterwards. Make your kid do the dishes. Tell the kid to do her homework. Watch TV, talk to your friends online a bit while you're making sure she does her homework.

9:30 PM: Get the kid in the bathtub or shower. Get in pjamas or take a shower if you haven't already that day.

10:00 PM: Go to bed, try to sleep but you can't so you either talk on the phone or watch TV.

11:00-11:30 PM: Finally fall asleep and get ready to cuss the next morning.

Doesn't that sound like fun??? What high society, overachieving, soccer mom wouldn't want to have my life???

I know I have it good. I know I have it easy. I have a good kid (for the most part) who helps out around the house. It's just her and I. We come and go when we please. We do what we want, go where we want, whenever we want.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.