I drank my protein shake this morning for breakfast and took my first round of pills. It was chocolate and didn't taste too bad. Then I took 3 pills. At lunchtime today I take 4 more. Followed by 1 I think at bedtime. By the time this is all said and done, I'll be a certified pill popper. Not sure how I feel about that. I've never been one to be a pill popper, so this is new to me. But if I lose a little weight, I'll pop pills till the cows come home. I did all of this about an hour and a half ago and so far feel no effects. Which is in my opinion good. I'm supposed to be getting all this energy now so we'll see. If I can have a ton of energy during the day that would be good. Because sometimes when I get off at 2:00 all I want to do is take a nap. Because we all know I don't sleep enough the way it is. But then if I take a nap in the afternoon that usually leaves me zapped in the evening and I don't get anything accomplished. And that's not good either. I have been taking walks at night and I hope that continues.

All I want is for my clothes to fit better and maybe even go down a few sizes. I'm not asking to look like a supermodel or anything. I just want to feel better about my body. And right now I am extremely self conscious about it all and it does affect what I do and where I go. I never thought it would ever be like that but it is. I used to just be okay with my body and I'd notice bigger people all self conscious. You can tell that if you really watch. And now I have become that person and I don't like it one bit.

As far as I know I haven't been the victim of the snickering and pointing and that's my greatest fear. And maybe I have and just am not aware of it. Which if that's the case, then as long as I don't hear it that's okay. But I should have NEVER put myself in this situation to start with. It's my own fault and I know that. I'm still trying to figure out what caused it, I know there is an underlying issue. I mean I've always been a little heavy but never like this. I can pretty much pinpoint where it got really out of control but it's a situation I won't mention here. It's already been covered. I think that is when it started. That's when something triggered in me. But really, it doesn't even matter. What matters is I'm dealing with it.

I mean why not lose a ton of weight? I'm entering into a brand new phase of my life anyway. So now is the best time in my opinion. I know that as soon as I start my clinical training in school I will be on my feet for hours at a time. I can't be overweight and do that. I can, but it won't be comfortable.

If you would told me a year ago I was going to move, get out of debt, sign up for college and start on the journey to lose weight I would have laughed in your face. Hard. So that's why I'm now still in shock and may be for quite some time. That's why my diary says "dare to dream". Dreaming up stuff for your life then putting it into motion is something I would have never done. But somehow I got the courage to do just that. I used to be so afraid of change. And now I thrive on it. Something finally clicked in my brain and I'm so glad it did.

So believe me, if I can do it ANYBODY can. Because I don't know anybody as unmotivated and lazy as me. So things are looking up. And as much as I want to retreat into my old ways every single day, so far I haven't done so. And I don't plan to. It's only up from here my friends, only up from here.

P.S.--I only had like 1 diet coke yesterday. I had water for supper. That is going to be my biggest challenge out of everything. Getting my ass off the soda and everything else that is horrible for me. People think because you drink diet soda it's okay. It's not. Take it from me.

Signed,

Fat and Bloated