Whoever thought up, boy that person was genius.

Today I come with a heavy heart. I think it happens to all of us from time to time. I go along most day, happy with where I am. And sometimes something gets thrown in there that gets me a little "off" for a while. But I'll get over it. I'm one who has to just feel my emotions for a while. I'll be fine. This too shall pass.

Many times when things happen I always have to break it down. I'm so analytical that way. I've been accused of being over-analytical. And I certainly agree. But in the end, I will always take responsibility for my part of it. And then the whole "intentions" factor comes into play. I never have bad intentions. Although many may disagree with that, just know that I never intentionally set out to hurt somebody or ruin anything. Sometimes it happens, yes. But I never meant to.

So today I had to leave and go to a family reunion with red eyes and a heavy heart. But I sucked it up and put on my best smile. Sometimes we all have to do that. It sucks but sometimes that's what has to be done.

And with that, I must type this here, I have so much to say and I guess no other outlet at this moment to put it into. That may change, but for now I must do this.

Dear JM,

My thoughts and views have been right all along. Part of me didn't want to know because then I would know the truth and believe me, sometimes the truth hurts. I will however take my part in it. And I want you to know that what has happened was never my intention. I'm sure you've wondered when I've stopped "needing" you. And the answer is...I haven't. I'll never stop needing you in my life. Did you know you are my longest friendship ever? And one of the friendships that I value most? Maybe I have a hard way of showing it. I didn't mean to. With that being said, the road goes both ways. Sometimes I reach out to you, with nothing ever being returned. But yet I am the bad one because I don't call as often. Yet you never pick up the phone to initiate anything. In the last years I've always been the one to pick up the phone first. The only difference is now, you don't answer. Or you don't call me back until weeks later. We've had so many good times. So many times I can't even begin to list them. Over the years however I think we have grown apart. We no longer partake in the activities that we once used to and that doesn't make it bad at all. That just means we've grown up. But the one thing I don't want to do is grow apart from you. Maybe I've forced you to do so. And if you feel I have, I'm sorry. I never intended to. I called and left a message on your answering machine today and I cried. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. And it was only because I miss you and your friendship and I'm very sorry if I've made you feel second best or unimportant in my life. I never meant to. There are things from your friendship that I don't get from others. There are things between us that I don't share with anybody else. Memories and fun times I won't experience with anybody else again, ever. This is the third message I've left you in the last week. You didn't return my two previous calls so I don't expect you to return this phone call. You are so nonconfrontational so you would rather phase me out of your life, mark me off your list rather than call me and tell me how you really feel. Are you afraid of what I might say? Are you afraid I'll disagree with you? Or is my friendship just not worth salvaging anymore? Maybe I just wasn't as important to you as you are to me. I don't know. And I probably never will. But I tell you what, silence kills me. I'd rather have somebody get in my face and yell and scream at me than give me the silent treatment. Because then I know that at least I am worth enough to that person for them to fight for me. And right now I don't feel like that at all to you. I'm sorry J, I never meant it to be like this. I recognize my part in it all. But I may never have the chance to share with you with it was.

Love,

Joey

I can't figure out why when things suck for me it all comes up. All the things I've worked so hard to overcome, they come creeping back up. All my mind hears is whisper whisper whisper, snicker, whisper blah blah blah. Every day of my life I have to try to decide whether the things I think people are saying about me are just that. In my mind. Or if it's true. I'm so tired of things being said. People being called. Having everybody drug into my life without my permission. Having everybody up in my business. Did you hear about Joey? Guess what I found out about Joey? But I guess if my life and my privacy eases the pain from people dealing with their own problems then okay, glad to oblige you. A few years ago I completely shut myself off from many people in my life, including my family. Because I was tired of it all. But then gradually I allowed myself to open back up because I know that family and friends are important to me. They are what have made me what I am today. I love each and every one of them. And I can't imagine anybody in my life at this point not in my life in the future. But it's times like this I just want to close it back up. Keep my life and my thoughts and my dreams to myself. Because in the end it won't be right. And some days I feel like I'll never live up to what others expect of me. Some days I wake up with the highest of expectations on my back. And then one day I realized that I can't be what people want me to be. I can only be myself. And there are only 2 people on this whole planet who know me. Who know what makes me tick. Who can take one look at my eyes and know how I'm feeling at that exact moment. But nobody wants to see that person. Because that makes me different. That makes me somebody that they don't want to know. Or accept.

But then when I come out of my fog, and I will come out of it, I realize that there are two things in my life that need to happen for me to survive. And that's for me to make sure I do right by my child and love her with all that I have, make her feel secure and loved, support her in her growth and journey through life and let her know that no matter what, nobody will ever love her more than me. And I have to love myself. Be able to look into the mirror and like what I see.

If I can do those two things, I have succeeded.