When am I going to worry about my happiness? When am I going to stop caring what other people think? Who the hell knows what is right for me? It's life about happiness? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness right? Where the hell is my happiness?

Why am I having such a hard time being with somebody who has done nothing but treat me like a queen, be supportive of me, and listen to me when I'm having a bad day? Why is it that when I'm having a horrible day, she is the first one I call? And when I am having a really great day or got a good grade on a test or have something hilarious to share she is the first one number I dial? Why is it that I can completely be myself with her? She makes me feel like this big and smart person. She makes me want to be a better mother to my child and be a better friend to my friends and to be a better person. She was the one who gave me the courage to go back to school. I sat there one day and cried and bitched about my life and how much I hate it and how it will never change. She was the one who told me that I'm better than I am now. And that my life is worth alot more than what I was getting out of it. She gave me the courage to follow my dreams. She sat there and watched me cry and instead of giving me a hug and telling me it was okay, she told me that I was better than this and that I deserved to be better than who I was. If it wasn't for her in my life I would have never done that. She's picked me up so many times I couldn't even write them all here. She's literally sacrificed everything to help me. There was one time she was moving to L.A. and I was having one of my stupid ass drama filled days with DQ and she had to cancel everything so she could stay home and take care of me, listen to me, and pull me back up. Doesn't that matter? What about the times we've been rolling on the floor with laughter, crying, snorting, and screaming because we're laughing so hard at something one of us said? What about all the long drives here to help me out in my time of need?

Why do I give that up because I'm scared of what others think? Is anybody else living my life? No. Is anybody else paying my bills or providing for me in any way? Nope. The only person I have to stare at the end of the day is myself. Nobody else is standing there with me so what the fuck does that matter?

I hate this. It kills me every single day. My house isn't the same now. I'm not the same now. Things have changed. And I fucking hate it. Yet I continue on, doing my homework and running kids here and there and hosting kids and working and studying and everything else I can to do occupy every second of my day so that I don't have to think about it or deal with it. And I can tell you right now it sucks big time.

Like I said earlier, not that saying any of this will do one damn bit of good but hey, I put it out there. And that for me was a HUGE step.